Chapter 7: Field Notes
General Garza had been exceptionally pleased with their results on Tatooine. It would probably be a stretch to say she was overjoyed, but when they informed her that Fuse had turned himself in and was now in Republic custody and that Colonel Gorik had been eliminated, she looked the happiest Elara had seen her thus far. As was to be expected, Havoc Squad had no downtime as they took advantage of new information on where one of the remaining defectors was located. Bex “Gearbox” Kolos, a talented technician, was rumored to be on Alderaan for a mysterious Imperial operation codenamed Project B.
While attempting to track down Gearbox, Havoc Squad was forced to assist a member of House Thul, one of the ruling families who openly supported the Sith Empire. After stealthily extracting the individual’s captive wife and daughter, he had revealed the location of Gearbox’s base of operations. Project B turned out to be a giant battle robot, which Gearbox was helping with the construction of. The former member of Havoc Squad attacked the team with the robot, and when it was destroyed, proceeded to continue his attack on Lacroix, refusing to listen to reason. With Gearbox already wounded from the destruction of the mech, his end came quickly, and with it, only two defectors were left.
During the Alderaan campaign, Elara couldn’t help but pay special attention to how the lieutenant acted with everybody, herself included. The thought that she may have romantic feelings for her, and the number of complications that could bring, was reason enough for her to try and determine if her feelings were real, and, perhaps more importantly, if there was any evidence they were reciprocated. Since her own confused maelstrom of attraction hadn’t seemed to ebb, the easiest way for this situation to be concluded was if it was clear that the lieutenant was not interested. So she had stepped into analytical mode and spent the time on planet observing and recording what she could.
Now that they had eliminated Gearbox and were heading back to Coruscant, waiting for their next move, Elara sat in her quarters, mulling over all the notes she had surreptitiously taken during their time on the planet.
Most of what she’d observed had just reinforced what she already knew about the lieutenant: she was confident, determined, and had a set of morals that she stuck to in the face of adversity. None of this was new, and none of it helped with Elara’s inner tangle of feelings. Breezing through that data, she shifted her focus to Lacroix’s interaction with herself, Jorgen, and, though it seemed perhaps less useful, Forex. The lieutenant treated all three of them with respect and trust, and didn’t show any discernible favoritism. She selected squad members based on their expertise and the needs of the job, and wasn’t egotistical enough to always place herself as the leader. Sure, she was the commanding officer and did always lead them when they were on the mission, but she was quick to defer to another squad member if they had a better plan or more experience in the immediate situation.
It took about a week of observation to confirm these conclusions. She was confident that if the lieutenant did share any of her feelings, it was not influencing her actions and decisions as a squad leader. This conclusion alone felt like a weight lifted off of Elara’s shoulders, because she knew that she couldn’t respect or work with someone who was playing favorites, potentially angling toward some sort or reciprocal action. And on top of that, it could put her in the uncomfortable position of needing to turn down any advances and dealing with the fallout.
That still left the two biggest questions though: was Elara truly attracted to the lieutenant, and did she feel at all the same? Grumbling, Elara began rereading the notes she’d taken later on while planetside. Obviously she knew what they said, but she was compelled to review them again, to confirm she hadn’t misinterpreted her initial reaction.
It was logical to approach the two questions one at a time. Proving one false would eliminate the need to investigate the other. For the sake of her own sanity, Elara decided to address her own feelings first. Setting down her notes, she leaned forward in her chair, resting her chin on her clasped hands. Okay, she thought, let’s start simple. She delved back into her memories, trying to conjure up the people in her past that she had found herself attracted to. What did that feel like? She thought of the boy who lived next door when she was a teenager, how he always made her feel a little lighter and freer when she was around him. That was certainly true about the lieutenant. Her aura seemed to instill a certain confidence in her whenever they were together.
But that could also just be the sign of a good leader. Frowning, she let her memories take her elsewhere, this time to one of her classmates before she went to the Academy. They’d only spent a few months together before he moved offworld with his family, but he had always made her feel safe. Not in the sense that she couldn’t protect herself; she had the training even at that age to defend herself. It was more a sense of emotional safety, like she didn’t have to put on a front, didn’t have to be the model soldier or citizen in front of him. Thinking back on the past several months, she noted that she’d become much more open in her conversation and feedback with Lacroix, no longer spending extra time evaluating her actions or words to ensure they couldn’t be twisted back to be used against her.
Still not necessarily indicative of a crush, her inner devil’s advocate chimed in. Elara let out a frustrated exhale, scouring her mind for a relationship that she could undoubtedly link to romantic interest. Suddenly her girlfriend from the Academy popped into her head. The surprise at having not gone there immediately was quickly overpowered by the sorrow at her death. Elara allowed herself the briefest moment to remember what it felt like to be with her, the butterflies in her stomach when they were able to carve out time to find somewhere private to enjoy each other’s company and explore each other’s body. A sob escaped from her mouth before she quickly pivoted away from that memory, instead imagining a similar scene, but with the lieutenant instead. Immediately, she felt her skin warm and a shiver run down her spine. She saw Lacroix’s crimson eyes, like pools of liquid fire, coaxing her closer.
Her eyes snapped open and she sat up abruptly. She hadn’t even realized they’d closed. Quickly she stood and pulled open the wall cabinet to look at the mirror mounted on the door and confirmed that yes, her face was flushed. She ran a hand through her dark hair and let out a shaky breath. That certainly answered the first question, she thought, though she still wasn’t convinced it was the answer she had wanted. Now onto the second one.
Sitting back down, she grabbed her notes again, and jumped to the section where she had started focusing in on the lieutenant’s specific mannerisms. Skimming past what she’d already reviewed, she tried to quell the reeling from her realization. The more Elara read, the more irritated she became.
Day 8 mission briefing: LT paused slightly while looking at me before giving me my assignment.
Day 9 operation prep: LT smiled when I made a remark about Jorgen being too uptight.
Day 11 evening meal: LT brought me food while I finished up my check-in report.
Throwing her notes back onto the desk, Elara rubbed her eyes. None of this was helping give any insight into the lieutenant’s feelings. Everything she’d written also could be attributed to the fact that Lacroix was just a decent person who cared about her squad. And while yes, she hadn’t seen her bringing food to Jorgen, Jorgen was also quick to get his own food, so it may simply be a matter of opportunity. Elena began pacing back and forth in her quarters, racking her brain to come up with something, something that she had witnessed that would give useful feedback.
An extended period of pacing later and Elara still couldn’t come up with anything of note. She dropped down onto her bunk, bouncing slightly on the mattress. Stretching her arms over her head, she blew out a breath. She could do this. She would simply approach it as she would any other objective. Do her research, make a plan, and execute the plan. Research, plan, execute. Yes, she could do this. She’d put together a plan to eliminate the uncertainty.
Her heart might not be happy, but that might be the price she’d have to pay.
